I’m sure you have heard it – “You just have to love yourself more” or “ You have to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you”. Like it’s as easy as making a decision or flicking a switch.
It makes sense, and there is truth to it, but in practise it is quite hard!
The way we feel about ourselves develops over years and years. Our sense of self, self-worth, self-esteem – call it what you will – develops in relationship with others. If you grew up feeling valued, delighted in, accepted and emotionally safe, for example, then you may find that loving yourself is reasonably easy. But if you grew up being criticised, emotionally or physically neglected, rejected, or made to feel like you didn’t matter, then what you felt others felt towards you through those actions (or lack of) gets turned inwards. You may find yourself feeling like you have little worth, and loving yourself can be incredibly hard.
People are often very aware they need to love themselves more, but they have no idea how to. Just telling yourself “I am deeply valued and respected” or “I love myself deeply and completely” 100 times per day will never work (see my article on ‘Why affirmations don’t work’). You can say something until you are blue in the face, but if you don’t believe it, nothing will ever change.
It sounds counter-intuitive to write it, but people often feel they need their self-criticism. For example, “If I stop criticising myself, I’ll become lazy.” Self-compassion can actually feel threatening when you have spent years relying on self-criticism to keep yourself safe, motivated, or accepted.
Self-love is not really a starting point. It is usually an outcome.
It grows gradually through experiences. It develops when we learn to recognise our emotions rather than push them away. It grows when we set boundaries with people who treat us badly. It grows when we begin talking to ourselves the way we would talk to a close friend who is struggling. Most importantly, it grows through relationships where we feel genuinely seen, accepted, and valued.
Think about a child learning who they are. They do not develop self-worth by sitting alone and repeating affirmations in the mirror. They develop it through connection. A parent smiles at them. A teacher encourages them. A friend enjoys being with them. Through thousands of these small moments, they start to believe they matter.
As adults, the same principle often applies. We learn to value ourselves partly through experiencing relationships that are safe and accepting. Sometimes it is only when someone responds to us with compassion that we start to believe we might deserve compassion ourselves.
But rest assured: although we often develop self-worth through relationships, we can also strengthen it ourselves by how we relate to ourselves. You can begin by catching yourself each time you speak cruelly to yourself or with annoyance. By taking the time to think, what would I say to a friend in this situation? For example, instead of “That was so stupid, I can’t believe you did that”, you might catch yourself and try “But it makes sense; I was just trying to fit in”.
This shift in how you respond to yourself is different to affirmations; it’s not just positive self-talk; it’s about gaining more self-understanding, rather than forcing yourself to say nice things.
This is one reason therapy can be helpful. It is not because the therapist teaches someone to “love themselves.” It is because the person has repeated experiences of being listened to, understood, and accepted, even when they are struggling. Over time, they may start to internalise that experience and relate to themselves differently.
It is also important to remember that self-love is not a constant state. Even people who generally have a healthy relationship with themselves have moments of self-doubt, embarrassment, insecurity, and disappointment. Being psychologically healthy does not mean feeling good about yourself every minute of every day. It means being able to stay on your own side when things are difficult.
Perhaps that is a more realistic goal than self-love. Instead of asking yourself, “How do I love myself?” you might ask, “How do I become a little less harsh with myself?” or “How do I respond to myself when I am hurting?”
Those questions are often more achievable.
Because self-love is rarely a single decision. It is usually the result of hundreds of small moments where we learn to treat ourselves with a little more understanding, a little more patience, and a little more compassion. And if that feels difficult, it does not mean you are failing. It means you are human.