Our brains recreate the familiar conditions from our childhood.
This means that in relationships, we tend to choose partners who reflect characteristics from our past, just as we reflect parts of theirs.
Then, we tend to trigger behaviours in each other that recreate patterns similar to those from our childhood.
The result is that we keep triggering each other. Eventually, we get frustrated, leave, start a new relationship, hoping for a fresh start, only to see the same old patterns emerge once again.
For example:
Initial attraction
Laura’s mum was emotionally unavailable and always focused on work. Now, Laura is unconsciously attracted to partners who are detached like her mum. Tracey, on the other hand, had a mum who was overly dependent on her. Closeness often felt like pressure, so Tracey learned to cope by pulling back. As an adult, she’s drawn to people who seem self-reliant and don’t demand too much closeness. When she meets Laura, that independence feels familiar and safe to her. So both women are actually choosing what their nervous systems recognise from childhood, just in opposite directions.
Triggering behaviours
Laura gets anxious when Tracey is stressed and withdraws, because that’s what Laura’s mum used to do. So Laura tries harder to connect, pushing Tracey for more closeness. This overwhelms Tracey. Laura’s pursuit activates the same feelings she had growing up with a mum who relied too heavily on her, so Tracey pulls back even more. The more Laura pushes, the more Tracey withdraws, recreating the emotional distance Laura experienced as a child and the emotional pressure Tracey experienced in hers.
The cycle continues
Frustrated by the repeated pattern, Laura eventually leaves the relationship, thinking a fresh start with someone new will solve the problem. But in her next relationship, she unknowingly chooses another partner with similar characteristics. Tracey would likely do the same in her next relationship — drawn again to someone independent, only to feel overwhelmed when closeness naturally increases.
The familiar patterns from childhood keep playing out, despite the different people involved.
If you need support to heal from childhood trauma, don’t hesitate to reach out.