What Secure Attachment Really Means
Imagine being in relationships with others – and having a sense that you belong, that you’re safe, and that someone has your back. That ease and deep-down sense of well-being is what secure attachment feels like.
Attachment styles are a popular concept on social media at the moment. Every other client of mine tells me what attachment style they have, but many don’t really understand what secure attachment is. Through understanding how things could have been, you can begin to make sense of what you missed out on and what has led to the attachment style you may have.
Attachment is a concept that describes the quality of the bonds we form with other people. It’s about how we connect, seek comfort and feel secure in relationships with others. The blueprint for our attachment is usually set within the first 1000 days of life, or the first three years, and these needs continue to be essential as children grow. Attachment is developed through interactions with our parents or carers and shapes our brain more than anything else. Attachment styles are not something inherent in the infant or child—they’re developed by how our parent or carer responded or didn’t respond.
Research has identified six core needs at the heart of secure attachment and healthy development. When these needs are met, children thrive and adults feel secure in their relationships. When they are missing, we often search for what we didn’t receive in relationships later in life.
- Attunement
Were your parents able to tune into you so they knew what you were feeling inside? When you were a baby, did they know the difference between a tired cry and a hungry cry? When you were older, did they pick up when you were sad, even if you said you were fine? Did they pick up when you were nervous, or shy, or upset?
- Responsiveness
Responsiveness is the next step, after attunement. When you cried, did a parent pick you up and soothe you? When you were older, did someone engage you in play when you were full of beans, and offer quiet when you were overwhelmed? Did they offer a hug when you needed it? Or to talk about your feelings? When you were angry, sad or afraid, did they respond to you appropriately? Responsiveness means showing up with action when the need has been recognised.
When parents are distracted by their own wants, needs or emotional world, they can’t attune and respond to a child, leaving their needs unseen or unmet. But when attunement and responsiveness work together, the child feels both understood and cared for.
- Engagement
Engagement is about the quality of presence a caregiver brings to the relationship. It’s not just responding to needs (responsiveness) or noticing feelings (attunement), but actually showing up with interest, warmth, and connection.
Were your parents curious about your world, your interests, your skills, and you as a person? Did your parents show a genuine desire to get to know you, to really know your heart? Did they delight in you? Did you feel seen and noticed? Did you feel known?
When a child feels like their parent genuinely wants to be with them, not just to care for them, their self-worth grows. When a parent lacks engagement, being physically present but emotionally absent, it can leave a child feeling invisible, even if their basic needs are met.
- Ability to regulate your arousal
Babies and young children have lots of big feelings that they can’t calm on their own. They need a parent to pick them up and soothe them, letting them know everything is ok, and will be ok, that big feelings aren’t scary and will pass with comforting. When babies and children have many experiences of this, they learn to internalise the feelings of soothing they get from their parents, and learn how to calm themselves down from big feelings.
When babies and children don’t have this experience, or enough of them, emotions can feel overwhelming and unmanageable. They haven’t learned that big feelings can feel safe to feel, and how to calm themselves down.
- Strong enough to handle your negative emotions
When babies and children have big feelings, they need to know that the adult in their life can handle them, without turning away, shutting them down, retaliating or collapsing. They need to know that they can have big feelings and it won’t break the relationship with their parent. This doesn’t mean the child can do whatever they want, it means that the parent can hold firm boundaries while also staying connected. When caregivers can stay connected to their child in the face of their strong emotions, it sends the message that their feelings won’t destroy relationships, that they are survivable and acceptable.
- Willingness to repair
Repair is one of the most important. No parent gets it right all of the time, and it’s best if they don’t! If a parent can come back to a child after a rupture and say sorry, acknowledge wrong doing and connect with the child again, it teaches the child that conflict doesn’t destroy relationships. When caregivers can apologise, reconnect and show warmth again their child learns that love is stronger than mistakes and the bond is knitted back together, often stronger.
The good news for parents now
For those who have children and may be thinking of all the things you haven’t done right (I did, as I was writing this blog!) The good news is that you don’t have to get it right all of the time. No-one can. We all come with our own history, humanness, and challenges. Parenting is hard! What matters is being good enough, showing up often enough, repairing when things go wrong, and letting your child know that connection can endure through the good times and the bad times. Secure attachment isn’t about perfect parenting, it’s about consistency, repairing the ruptures, and connection that forms a thread through it all.
The good news for those who didn’t have a secure attachment in their childhood
The good news for those who weren’t fortunate enough to have a secure attachment when they were growing up, is that it is never too late! Adults can get what is called an earned secure attachment though current friendships, romantic or family relationships or therapy. Experiences of being seen and understood can all help to rebuild trust and create new patterns, which changes the wiring in our brains. So even if you didn’t start life with a secure attachment, you can still learn what it feels like to feel safe, valued and connected.