Our brains recreate the familiar conditions from our childhood.
This means that in relationships, we tend to choose partners who reflect characteristics from our past, just as we reflect parts of theirs.
Then, we tend to trigger behaviors in each other that recreate patterns similar to those from our childhood.
The result is that we keep triggering each other. Eventually, we get frustrated, leave, start a new relationship, hoping for a fresh start, only to see the same old patterns emerge once again.For example:
Initial attraction
Laura’s mum was emotionally unavailable and always focused on work. Now, Laura is unconsciously attracted to partners who are detached like her mum. When she meets Tracey, who is warm but pulls back emotionally when stressed, Laura is drawn to her because it feels familiar. Tracey, on the other hand, had a mum who was overly dependent, so she is attracted to people like Laura, who seem self-reliant and don’t require too much closeness.
Triggering behaviors
Laura gets anxious when Tracey is stressed and withdraws, because that’s what Laura’s mum used to do. So Laura tries harder to connect, pushing Tracey for more closeness, which overwhelms Tracey. This triggers Tracey’s need for space, just like she had to create boundaries with her overly dependent mum. The more Laura pushes for connection, the more Tracey withdraws, recreating the emotional distance Laura experienced as a child.
The cycle continues
Frustrated by the repeated pattern, Laura eventually leaves the relationship, thinking a fresh start with someone new will solve the problem. But in her next relationship, she unknowingly chooses another partner with similar characteristics. The familiar patterns from childhood keep playing out, despite the different people involved.
If you’re needing support to heal from childhood trauma, don’t hesitate to reach out.