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When “Empathy” Is Actually Hypervigilance
A client recently shared an article with me that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. The original piece—published on Space Daily—explores how children who grow up monitoring their parent(s) mood for safety often become adults who are highly attuned to others,...
Therapy helps you feel seen and understood
Most people, when they come to see me, minimise their trauma. They’ll say things like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “Other people have had it worse,” or “I should be over it by now.” This is incredibly common, especially when the trauma happened in childhood or in close...
Making Sense of Your Emotions
Understanding Primary, Secondary and Instrumental Emotions Why getting to your primary emotion helps you understand what you need Many people come to therapy saying things like: “I felt so much, but I can’t tell what the real emotion was.” “I reacted strongly and then...
Why Does Past Trauma Affect My New Relationships?
Our brains recreate the familiar conditions from our childhood. This means that in relationships, we tend to choose partners who reflect characteristics from our past, just as we reflect parts of theirs. Then, we tend to trigger behaviours in each other that recreate...
How to Care for Yourself When Christmas Feels Heavy
For some, the day is spent with family who feel more draining than comforting. For others, the season brings up a different kind of ache — having no one to celebrate with, or feeling invisible while everyone else seems to have a place to be. Whichever end of that...
Memory Time vs Now Time
Sometimes people notice their emotional reactions feel much bigger than the situation in front of them. A small comment from a partner brings shame. A friend’s silence causes panic. Logically, you know that nothing catastrophic has happened — but your body reacts as...
When the Past Feels Like the Present: Understanding Trauma, Memory Time, and Now Time
I use the word trauma a lot. It’s a loaded word, and for many people, it makes them think of war, abuse, or catastrophic accidents. So when I say to someone, “You’ve experienced trauma,” they are often unsure what I mean. Their reaction makes sense. The DSM-5-TR — the...
Why Some of Us Long for Love, But Don’t Trust It – Exploring Disorganised Attachment
“Come close… but don’t.” Disorganised attachment forms in childhood when the person you most rely on for safety is also the source of fear. This creates a devastating conflict: the child’s natural instinct is to seek comfort from their parent, yet the parent’s...
Why Some of Us Can’t Trust: Ambivalent Attachment
“It doesn’t matter how much they tell me they love me, or how much I trust they won’t leave me for someone else, it’s just so hard to believe them”. This is another common theme in the therapy room. Ambivalent attachment develops in childhood when a parent is...
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