Betrayal trauma (Freyd, 1994) happens when the people who are supposed to care for us as children, such as parents, cause deep emotional harm by betraying out trust.

In this article, I will focus on betrayal trauma within the parent-child relationship, though similar trauma can also occur in other relationships, such as with adult family members, teachers, coaches, babysitters, and other adult-child connections.

When children are abused by a parent who is also responsible for their care and survival, the impact is profoundly devastating. Children are biologically wired to stay connected to their parents to ensure their survival. From birth through childhood and into adolescence, they rely on their parents for all their basic life sustaining needs – love, nurturing, emotional security, safety, protection, food, clothing and shelter.

This creates the first foundations of trust in relationships. Ideally, children develop a sense of trust and safety in their early relationships, which they carry into their adult relationships:

When I express my needs, they will be understood and met.
When I ask for support, I can rely on others to respond.
I am worthy of love, respect, and care in my relationships.
I can depend on others to be there for me in times of need.
I can trust the people I choose to build close, meaningful connections with.

When the parent they depend on for their survival is also the same person who is causing them harm, it creates a deeply confusing conflict within the child.

The child’s brain has two main systems working for survival:

Attachment – The first we have already talked about. When children are biologically wired to stay connected to their parents to ensure their survival, this is the newer part of the brain (mammalian brain) operating, and also incorporates a term many of you will have heard of, called attachment.
Flight – The older part of the brain (survival brain) is more reactive to danger, making the child feel like they need to run away or escape from threats.

Attachment is primarily about love, nurturing and emotional security between a parent and their child, but it is closely linked to having basic physical needs—like safety, protection, food, clothing and shelter—met as well. While attachment itself is about the emotional bond, having basic needs met plays a key role in fostering secure attachment. When parents provide both physical care (like food and shelter) and emotional support (like love and warmth) the child feels safe and cared for, which builds trust and attachment. If basic needs are not met, the child may feel unsafe or insecure, leading to insecure attachment even if emotional care is present. So attachment goes beyond just emotional security, it’s about the parent providing consistent, reliable care in both emotional and physical aspects, which together create a foundation for trust and security.

The challenge is that the child’s brain has to decide which survival system to follow: stay close to the parent by prioritising attachment or react by taking flight and escaping from the threat.

The child’s brain will always prioritise attachment, or having their basic needs for survival met over fleeing from the danger of abuse.

Have you ever wondered why kids protect their abusive parents? This is why.

The child needs to stay connected to the parent for survival, so they end up pushing down or ignoring (dissociating or repressing) their feelings about the abuse, which can lead to a complex emotional and psychological trauma that can last into adulthood.

The impact of betrayal trauma can affect a person’s ability to trust and form healthy relationships. It can impact their self-worth, cause depression, anxiety and difficulties with attachment and self-regulation.

If you have experienced betrayal trauma, EFT can help.

Exploring Betrayal Trauma