You are not inherently worthless. Worthlessness is a feeling you’ve learned through your experiences. It takes root within relationships with others, or a lack of relationships with others, it is born in relational trauma.
Do any of these statements feel familiar?
- “I feel like I take up space I don’t deserve.”
- “No matter what I do, it’s never enough.”
- “If people really knew me, they’d see how broken I am.”
- “I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I was born wrong.”
- “It’s like my brain only sees the bad in me and ignores anything good.”
- “I feel like I’ve failed everyone who’s ever cared about me.”
- “I don’t even know why I’m here—I don’t add anything to the world.”
- “Even when I succeed, it feels like I just got lucky or fooled everyone.”
- “Trying to be better feels pointless, because I’ll just mess it up anyway.”
- “I feel so far behind everyone else, like I’ll never catch up.”
- “When I was a kid, I thought being good would make people love me. It didn’t.”
- “I don’t even feel like a real person most of the time.”
- “I avoid people because being around them just reminds me how much I don’t belong.”
- “It’s easier to stay small and invisible than to risk failing.”
- “Sometimes I wonder if I’m too broken to fix.”
We Are Not Born Feeling Worthless—It’s Something We Learn
When you were born, you were perfect just the way you were. You didn’t have to do anything, achieve anything, perform at anything, to be worthy of love. You were loved just for being you. Tragically, some of you will not have even had this start. Some of you were not wanted from the moment you were born, and the love and safety every baby deserves were never there. For others, love may have faded as you grew.
At some point, being you was no longer enough. The love that once felt unconditional starts to feel conditional. There might be obvious, painful experiences or more subtle messages, but you can begin to believe that you have to earn love and worth by being something other than who you are. Over time, this belief becomes deeply internalised, leaving you feeling like you are not enough for who you are.
Shame is at the Core
Worthlessness is rooted in shame. Shame are beliefs that there is something wrong with you. That you are bad, broken or unworthy in some way. There are so many conditions in childhood that can start the pathway to a life full of worthlessness and shame. Here are some of them:
- The absence of love and safety:
- Being abandoned, neglected, or unwanted.
- Receiving the message that you weren’t seen as worthy of love or care.
- Conditional love and approval:
- Feeling like love and attention had to be earned by:
- Behaving perfectly.
- Achieving success.
- Meeting impossible standards set by caregivers.
- Feeling like love and attention had to be earned by:
- Experiencing abuse:
- Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- Internalising the belief that what happened was your fault.
- Feeling damaged or fundamentally broken because of your experiences.
- Subtle or overt harmful messages:
- Hearing phrases like:
- “Don’t be too loud.”
- “Don’t cry.”
- “Be good.”
- Or louder, more painful messages:
- “You’re not wanted.”
- “You’re a burden.”
- “This is your fault.”
- Hearing phrases like:
- Silence and secrecy
- Growing up in environments where emotions were dismissed or ignored.
- Believing you couldn’t speak up about your pain or experiences.
Healing begins with self-compassion
Self-compassion is a cornerstone of all leading trauma therapies, and EFT is no exception—it’s a powerful tool for healing. Self-compassion can be a starting point for healing by helping you reconnect with the parts of yourself that feel unworthy. One simple way to practice this is to imagine the version of yourself who first learned these feelings of shame—whether as a child, teenager, or even an adult—and ask, “What did they need in that moment? What would have helped them feel loved, safe, or valued?” Then, picture your current self offering that care, whether it’s a kind word, reassurance, or even a sense of protection. For example, if you were a child who felt invisible or ignored, you might imagine yourself sitting beside that child and saying, “I see you, and you matter to me.” If you were a teenager who felt like you couldn’t meet impossible expectations, you could tell them, “You don’t have to prove anything—you’re enough just as you are.” This practice gently rewires your relationship with yourself (and your brain) reminding you that your worth isn’t something you have to earn—it’s something you’ve always deserved.