When we are kids, we should grow up within an atmosphere of love and safety. But when someone who is supposed to love you also causes you harm, you can become an adult who has a confusing mix of love, anger and longing towards that person. Resolving these conflicted feelings is one of the hardest steps of healing, and it’s one of the reasons why relational trauma is so tricky.
When someone you love hurt you as a child, it’s normal to feel conflicted, because you remember the good things as well. They might have provided all the basics for you -housing, food, clothing, maybe even some extras, like afterschool activities, and great presents. Maybe you have happy memories of laughter and connection. They might have taught you skills you still use today or expressed love in ways that felt real. These memories can make it so hard to make sense of their actions that were abusive or neglectful, with the love you still feel -or wish you could still feel- for them.
In a podcast I listened to recently (System Speak, 4 Jan 2021) Dr. Joyanna Silberg, a child trauma expert, used this analogy to illustrate her point:
“If you had a pot of soup that is so delicious—chicken, vegetables, rice, everything good—and you add one drop of poison, the whole soup is bad. You can’t call it a good soup. The same is true of a parent or caregiver who hurt you. That poison changes everything.”
Her analogy is not about writing off all the good moments or cancelling someone completely. But it acknowledges that harm, like poison, changes the foundation of the relationship. The love, care, and safety you may have felt are tainted by the betrayal of trust and the wounds they left behind.
Trauma Attachment
A dilemma that comes up in most people’s therapy, where child abuse has occurred, is the issue of trauma attachment. Trauma attachment happens when as an adult, you still have an emotional connection to the abuser, despite – or even because of – the abuse they caused. This bond can feel like a lifeline, especially when the abuser was a parent. After all, as children, our survival depends on these relationships.
Trauma attachments can lead to a hope that the person who caused the harm will one day meet your emotional needs. For example -one day they will finally tell you they are proud of you, or one day they will finally take responsibility for their actions and apologise, or one day they will finally ‘see’ you and love you like you should have been loved all along, or one day they will tell you they love you and that you are worthy. As you wait for your unmet needs to be met, you might find yourself justifying their behaviour or excusing their actions. The need for validation or repair from them can be like an invisible chain, keeping you tethered to them.
Tipping out the Poisoned Soup
Healing begins when you are able to acknowledge that the person who hurt you cannot, and will never, provide the emotional nourishment you need. They will never tell you they are proud of you. They will never take responsibility for their actions and apologise. They will never ‘see’ you and love you like you should have been loved all along. They will never tell you they love you and that you are worthy. Or whatever it is they should have provided for you or whatever it is they should have done, but never did. You deserve better than poisoned soup. Tip it out and walk away.
Letting go of the need for validation or care from someone who hurt you doesn’t mean you have to erase your love for them or the good memories you shared. It means recognising that they are not a safe or reliable source of love and safety. This shift can be painful but necessary for breaking the cycle of trauma attachment.
When you release the hope that they will meet your needs, you free yourself to find the emotional nourishment elsewhere. The secret is though -don’t go looking for it in someone else. The key is finding it in yourself, you can meet your own needs.
You deserve better than poisoned soup. You deserve relationships that nourish you, honour your boundaries, and provide genuine care. By letting go of the people who cannot meet those needs, you open the door to a life of greater peace, safety, and self-love.