Why do we keep ending up with people who hurt us, even though we swear we won’t fall for that ‘type’ again?
Sometimes, the people we are attracted to aren’t just attractive because of who they are now. They of course must be attractive to us in the present, inside and out, but often there is something else going on underneath.
Often, the people we are most drawn to are the ones that feel familiar in some way. The ones we ‘click’ with.
How our early experiences influence who we choose later
Our brains are wired to seek out what is familiar. Our early experiences lay down neural pathways and networks that (on an unconscious level) lead us to find and create an environment that will give us feedback that is familiar – whether that was good or bad.
Before I go on though, this doesn’t mean we are all doomed! We can heal our past through therapy, which will mean we are less likely to be drawn to people that remind us of our past wounds anymore. And we can also heal in relationships. More on that later.
Our first experiences with our parents, or caregivers, of being loved, comforted, or neglected, shape how we see ourselves and what to expect from others. So if we grew up feeling unnoticed and invisible, we might end up with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Or if you grew up with someone who had anger issues, you might find yourself with someone who has those issues too. Or if you had a critical parent – critical partner.
And here’s the annoying bit -even when they don’t seem that way at the start, when you’re in that dreamy first phase and can’t get enough of each other – and they are completely emotionally available, or don’t show any anger, and you think -this time I’ve got it right, they aren’t like the others….and then a few months down the track they start showing their true colours again. What is that all about?!
The truth is, those signs were probably there from the start, you just didn’t see them, because they feel so normal, because that’s what you grew up with, so they get overlooked or justified or just don’t get noticed at all.
How our early experiences influence who we are in relationships
Our early experiences also influence how we are in relationships. We might try to placate the other all the time so they don’t get angry, or always be the one to apologise to keep the peace, or you might feel like you have to prove your worth to be loved, or to tolerate things that hurt, because somewhere deep inside, it feels normal.
This isn’t weakness. It’s our nervous system doing what it was trained to do. Our brains are wired to seek out what’s familiar — even if it’s painful. We don’t just remember the past; we recreate it. Again and again, until we learn to do something different.
You’re not doomed!
When you begin to understand the pattern you’re in, you can rewire the brain, through lots of self-reflection or through therapy.
You can also heal in relationships! If you have a partner that is also willing to grow and learn with you, you can both learn how to heal together -that’s the most powerful way.