Emotional regulation, emotional dysregulation…have you heard any of these terms? They are being used a lot in the world of psychology lately. But what do they really mean? I suspect there is a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.
Emotional regulation IS NOT being calm. That is the first key. Being regulated means having an emotional experience, but not being controlled by it. For example…
- You’re angry. Are you yelling and screaming or hitting someone? You’re emotionally dysregulated. Or, are you aware that you are angry and making choices about what you do next -like walking away, or meditating? In that case you’re emotionally regulated.
Being emotionally regulated means you are having an emotional experience, but you are aware of it, you’re mindful of it. It’s not in control of you, you are in control of it. You are having that experience and able to make choices about what you do to manage it. You are bigger than the experience rather than it being bigger than you.
It’s what we all aim for whether we realise it or not. It’s often the reason people seek counselling, for themselves or their children, when they feel they or their child cannot regulate though an emotion, when it seems like the emotion is ruling them, whether it be sadness, anxiety, anger or something else.
Counselling will help you expand your window of tolerance, that is, the amount of emotion you can tolerate before it overwhelms or controls you. It will also teach you how to emotionally regulate through the emotion, or manage it or teach you how to help your child emotionally regulate through it.