What is a trauma bond?
Have you ever stayed in a relationship that you knew was hurting you? Or felt deeply attached to someone that was causing you pain? Or found yourself unable to walk away, even when you’ve tried or known you should? Or maybe you’ve even felt addicted to someone. If you connect with any of these scenarios, then you may have had a trauma bond with that person.
A trauma bond happens when the person who makes you feel safest is also the person who hurts you. It can be a common pattern in abusive, violent and coercively controlling relationships.
The connection feels impossible to break. It’s not that you don’t see how much hurt they are causing you, but because your nervous system is doing what it was hardwired do: to protect you by holding onto connection, even when that relationship comes at a cost.
Why do trauma bonds happen?
Humans are social creatures, our nervous systems are wired for bonding. Thousands of years ago, we were easy pickings for many predators, because we weren’t faster or stronger. Our safety and survival came from staying in groups. Connections with others is what kept us alive. And our brains haven’t changed, for all of us today, connection with others still feels safe.
But here is where things get complicated.
When relationships also involve fear, danger, pain or unpredictability – like in abusive, controlling or unsafe relationships – our attachment wiring continues regardless. Losing connection can still feel dangerous to our survival. Which is why even harmful relationships can feel impossible to leave. This is how trauma bonds start to form.
The person who makes you feel safe also causes you pain
When someone is abusive, controlling, distant or violent one minute, then apologises, says they will change and showers you with love the next (aka the cycle of violence), then reverts (as they always do) to being cruel again, you live in hope that the loving, apologetic, person who promises change will return. So, you stay, hoping for the good moments to come back. The fact that their ‘niceness’ is inconsistent makes you cling harder.
The unpredictability strengthens the bond
It’s a bit like the pokie machines. You don’t win every time, and the pay offs are unpredictable, but when you do win, the hit is powerful. The unpredictability of the win actually makes it harder to walk away.
Think of someone you’ve dated who was really into you at first, and then slowly became more distant. They started taking longer to reply to texts, were too busy to see you, or felt a bit emotionally unavailable. You found yourself feeling even more drawn to them — almost chasing them — because you never knew when you’d get their full attention again.
But when they finally did respond, or gave you that extra attention, or said something that made you light up — it felt incredible. What made it feel so good was all the deprivation that came before. You were emotionally starving — so when you finally got a small dose of affection, it landed like a feast after a famine. If they had been steady and consistent all along, it wouldn’t have felt so intense.
In abusive or hurtful relationships, this same pattern happens — but with much higher stakes. The harm that comes before makes the moments of care feel even more powerful.
You cling to those good moments. You hold on tighter. And that’s part of why trauma bonds become so hard to break.
Sometimes, it goes even deeper
The person who scares you during abusive moments may also be the one who comforts you afterwards. They hurt you, then soothe you. Your nervous system learns to link both fear and safety to the same person. This makes the bond feel even more unbreakable — because losing them feels like losing the only person who can bring you relief.
How your past can catch up with you
If you grew up with inconsistency, emotional neglect, or unavailable caregivers, your nervous system may have learned that unpredictability is what connection feels like. So even when adult relationships are chaotic or unstable, part of you recognises that pattern and attaches to it, because your brain has learned: this is what love feels like. And leaving it feels like losing love — even when it’s hurting you.
Why Trauma Bonds Are So Hard to Break
So this is why you can’t just leave. Your nervous system is doing what it is supposed to do; attaching to others for protection and survival. Holding on should keep you safe.
You are not wrong, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken.
What is happening to you is wrong.
Trauma bonds aren’t about poor choices. They’re adaptations. And once you understand that, the shame can start to soften.
Healing from trauma bonds
Healing trauma bonds isn’t about being told to “just leave.” It starts with building safety — slowly and gently — somewhere else.
- Name what’s happening, without shame.
Recognising the pattern is the first step. - Start to build safe connection outside the bond.
Supportive therapy, safe relationships, community — these help your nervous system learn what steady, safe connection feels like. - Learn to listen to your body.
Your nervous system carries so much wisdom. As you heal, you start to notice when you’re being pulled back into old patterns — and when something truly feels safe. - Work slowly.
This isn’t about “fixing” yourself overnight. Trauma-informed therapy gives you space to untangle the confusion, grief, and fear beneath the bond.
You are not broken
If you’ve been, or are, stuck in relationships that you know are harmful, but still can’t leave, please know this:
You’re not broken. You’ve been surviving. You’re wired to attach.
But that wiring can heal. Safety can be rebuilt. You can create relationships that feel secure, stable, and nourishing — where love doesn’t come with fear.