It is possible! Feeling worthy enough now, is about knowing that your worth as a human is not tied to anything external, deeply internalising that you are enough, now, simply for being human.

This deep knowing can be achieved in various ways. Obviously I am biased and will vouch for therapy every time! Since that is what I do. But therapy is not the only road.

Use self-compassion

Using self-compassion as often as possible is the key, by talking to your wounded self. For example, imagine your partner has just criticised you for leaving the bedroom messy. You go to a place of self-loathing, or not feeling good enough.

  • Imagine, in your mind’s eye, there are two of you. There’s you, the person feeling terrible, and another you, the one who is about to be compassionate.
  • From your compassionate self, talk to your other self, what do you need to hear? If your friend felt this way, what would you tell them? This is not about telling yourself to look on the bright side and that things will get better. The key is to feel into it from the point of view of your self that is feeling bad, what do you really need right now if someone caring was sitting beside you?
  • Sometimes it can help to imagine the self that is feeling bad as a child, and the compassionate self as a parent. Sometimes the words then come easier. What would an ideal, kind parent tell a child?
  • Maybe you can imagine your compassionate self/parent giving you a deep, heartfelt hug. Then saying that, yes, the room is messy, but that doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. You are a good person, a worthy person, leaving the room in a mess does not change that.
  • Remember, when you’re thinking of what to say, they key is to stick to telling yourself that you are worthy, no matter what has happened in the external world. Your self-worth exists within you, no matter what happens.

Let’s try one more example:

  • Imagine you’re a new mum at home with your bub, who is now past the newborn stage and you’ve settled into your new life. You’ve left your successful career to be a stay at home mum for now, it’s what you always wanted to do. To your surprise though, without work, you feel useless. Being a mum doesn’t feel nearly as fulfilling as you thought.
  • Imagine your compassionate self with your self that feels bad. What do you need to know or hear? Really search your heart.
  • Maybe you can imagine getting a hug first, one that you can really feel is full of unconditional love. Maybe you need to hear, that without your job and the validation for being good at what you do, it makes it really hard to feel good about yourself. But you can be reminded that you are enough, for just being you. That you are loved, for just being you.

So how could it have been different?

If, as children, we were consistently told that we were valuable worthy people, just for being us, as well as being praised, then our self-esteem would not be impacted by the external world. (*This is not a criticism on parents by any means, no-one has been taught to do this stuff!)

Imagine this. If you truly believed you were a valuable person, worthy of love, just for existing. Then…if someone criticised you, or you missed out on a promotion, failed an exam, or were spoken to rudely…you would be able to deeply feel -oh well, that’s a shame that that happened/they think that etc., but I still feel good about myself. I’ll think about what happened or take the feedback on board or calmly tell the other person I think they have it wrong, but it doesn’t rock my sense of who I am.

It can be hard to imagine if you’ve always felt poorly about yourself, it can feel like a massive stretch to even wrap your mind around what I am saying.

Looking across trauma therapies, self-compassion is one of the consistent threads that ties them all together as a key ingredient to healing. It really is key to rediscovering your self-worth.