“It doesn’t matter how much they tell me they love me, or how much I trust they won’t leave me for someone else, it’s just so hard to believe them”. This is another common theme in the therapy room.
Ambivalent attachment develops in childhood when a parent is sometimes warm and responsive, and other times is distracted, intrusive, or consumed by their own emotional world.
For a child, the inconsistent responses are scary. They can’t predict whether their actions will get comfort and warmth or rejection, so their nervous system has to stay on high alert at all times, just in case. The question constantly in the background is: “Will you be there for me this time? Or will you disappear?”
Living with uncertainty
Ambivalent attachment can feel like longing that is never satisfied. Because the comfort comes unpredictably, the child learns to cling, pursue, and seek reassurance. The child’s system becomes wired for vigilance. They stay focused on their caregiver’s mood, tone, and availability—hoping to catch signs of comfort before it slips away.
The relationship is reversed: instead of the parent tuning into the child, the child tunes into the parent. Their own needs get tangled up in monitoring their parents’ state.
Inner franticness
Ambivalently attached children can feel an inner franticness – an anxiety about whether love and safety will last. As adults, people with ambivalent attachment often describe feeling “too much”: too anxious, too emotional, too insecure.
Even small lapses in attention can feel catastrophic. What looks minor to others—like a caregiver being distracted or emotionally absent for an hour—felt enormous to a child. For the child, inconsistency was experienced as danger.
The ambivalently attached adult:
As adults, those with ambivalent attachment often:
- Struggle to regulate anxiety and emotions
- Experience overwhelming feelings that seem hard to control
- Fear rejection and abandonment deeply
- Constantly seek reassurance: “Do you love me? Show me again.”
- Become hyper-aware of relational disruptions
- Feel guilty about being “too needy” or “hard to love”
- Rely heavily on others for validation and self-worth
- Take on the role of the “pursuer” in relationships, while partners often feel chased or overwhelmed
The heart of ambivalent attachment
At its core, ambivalent attachment is shaped by uncertainty. The child never knew whether love would be consistent, so they grew up both craving closeness and fearing it might vanish.
The protective story becomes: “I can’t trust love to stay, so I have to cling to it as tightly as I can.”
Healing begins when this franticness is met with steadiness. When someone shows up consistently, and the person allows themselves to receive it, the nervous system slowly learns: “I am not too much. Love can last.”