“My childhood was fine. I always had food, clothes, and I got taken to after-school activities. I don’t know why I struggle so much now”. Variations of this statement are really common in the therapy room. On the surface, everything looked great. But often, something really important was missing: a sense that our inner world really mattered to our parents.
Avoidant attachment develops when our parents are often unavailable, dismissive, or rejecting. Children quickly learn that expressing upset or reaching out for comfort doesn’t bring nurturing or connection. Instead, it is met with silence, impatience or criticism. The child learns that needing, reaching out for comfort and expressing feelings is either futile or will be met with negativity. So instead, they turn away from others and inward towards themselves.
The belief becomes: “It’s safer not to need. If I don’t ask, I can’t be rejected. I’ll just handle things on my own.”
Shutting down longing
Children need comfort and soothing. It’s frightening for them to realise no one is there to meet that need. If seeking it brings disappointment or criticism, then the child will shut down their natural longing for closeness. They protect themselves by shutting down and numbing their need for deep connection and take pride in being independent.
But instead of learning to trust others with their vulnerability, avoidant children grow up disconnected from their emotions and a sense of their own needs.
Disconnected from self
Because their wants and feelings rarely impacted their parents, they can lose touch with the feeling part of themselves. They might:
- Stop noticing what they truly want
- Push down their need for closeness
- Distrust strong feelings as signs of weakness
The mums of avoidant children are often disconnected from their own emotions as well. Because emotional life is passed down through interaction, the child may not develop a rich inner emotional world either. They become more comfortable with facts, tasks, and logic than with feelings or intimacy.
When avoidant children become adults
As adults, those with avoidant attachment often:
- Feel more comfortable with distance and separateness than with closeness
- Enjoy relationships but rarely let themselves truly need others
- Focus on thinking and analysing rather than feeling and connecting
- Struggle to recall warm, emotionally rich memories from childhood
- Idealise parents or minimise painful experiences to avoid grief
- Downplay the influence of the past on who they are today
On the surface, avoidantly attached adults can appear strong, self-sufficient, and independent. Inside, though, they carry a deep ache—a longing for connection that was too painful to fully experience as a child.
The heart of avoidant attachment
At its core, avoidant attachment is about survival. Children learn that hoping for closeness is too risky, so they shut down that part of themselves. Their protective story becomes:
“I don’t need you. I’m fine on my own.”
However, people can’t thrive alone. Healing begins when the person feels safe enough to notice their disconnection and gently allow themselves to risk connection again.